Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Freedom and Frappuccinos

I'm free! No, I have not been released from captivity or a mental hospital, I'm free from college. For three whole months. I feel...indescribable. Which is brilliant for a written blog.
Anyway, my exciting news is that I am now a working girl. With all the exams I've had I haven't bothered applying for anything in months. But a few days ago I applied to work at a bar in Leeds and my first day is tomorrow. Of course I'm nervous about working in Leeds until the wee hours of the morning, but I need the money. 
The Starbucks Frappuccino Happy Hour is back. So I'm pretty darn happy. I tried the mocha cookie crumble one on Monday. It's chocolatey without being sickly and the hint of coffee provides a subtle and pleasant reminder that it's from Starbucks. Overall I'd give it a 4/5 and I'd recommend only getting a tall one. It satisfies  your sweet tooth (or in my case teeth) and anything bigger would be a mistake. Also, they're pretty calorific so if you can live without the whipped cream...do.
Other good things in my life are the new shoes my mother got me as a reward for doing my exams, which was lovely of her. They're gorgeous brown sandals from Office and when I tried them on I knew they were the type of shoes that hug your feet and will never cause blisters. My copy of Born Villain by Marilyn Manson came today, so I think we all know what's being played full blast in my room tonight. And I officially have everything booked for my trip to London this July to see Marilyn Manson live in concert.
However, I now feel rather uneasy about everything going so right. There must be a catch somewhere. Life cannot go so well without there being some massive tragedy on the horizon.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Guide to Summer

Here's some handy tips to get you through the summer.

1) To make the most of the 10 minutes of sunshine we get have a disposable BBQ, jug of sangria and floppy hat sitting somewhere in your cupboards. Try buying any of those items when it's hot. Go on, I dare you.
2) If it's not hot turn on the central heating and pretend, this also has the bonus effect of global warming and may make for future warmer summers.
3) If you get a summer job you'll have no time to relax and see your friends. If you don't, you'll have no money to do those things.
4) It's never a good idea to bring ice cream into the bedroom, not matter how high you turn the central heating.
5) Remember the sun dehydrates so drink plenty of cocktails.
6) A summer fling lasts a week, herpes lasts forever.
7) While the films of the 80s make swimming in the lake look like the coolest thing ever, remember, it's 2012. Our lakes are just collected masses of liquid pollution. If you go in them you will grow an extra eye.
8) Shorts should always be cut BELOW the bum cheek line, not above. I know some of you girls have been having trouble with that.
9) Red lobster skin is not tan, it's skin cancer waiting to happen.
Blinky should have listened to me

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Street Botherers

My issue today is with all people in the street always trying to sell you something. There's the Big Issuers, the joke bookers, the charity-ers, the sign-up-to-our-service-ers and of course the Jesus pedlers.
I actually don't mind the Big Issue sellers. There's a few entertaining ones that I quite like having around. I just dislike the ones that stand there with a face like a slapped bum. Cheer up. You're trying to sell me something after all.
The joke book sellers are sort of in the same category, in that they are out of work and are participating in a scheme that helps them do something and earn a little, but ohmygoodness I've never met a group quite like them. Their sales technique is tell you you're gorgeous, in the way the drunk old man at the pub pats your arse and asks if you have a boyfriend. Without the touching (thankfully). And they're all centralised in one area to the point that I'm running from one into the arms of another. They're really pushy sellers, which I understand, but here's my point: I DO NOT WANT TO BUY YOUR LEAFLET OF CRAP JOKES FOR £3. And that's it.
Charity is a good cause...obviously. And I do donate to charity. So yes, I do my part. My complaint isn't with any particular charity, it's with the sheer volume of charity workers. And how often I get stopped. All the main streets in Leeds have at least one and if you manage to duck down another street to avoid them you'll only run into another bunch. It's not that I don't care, I just don't have the money to support everyone and I feel really bad saying no because the point of charity is it's all very sad. If I supported everyone I wanted to I'd be on the street begging, ironically. But since this is such a sensitive subject I'm going to tiptoe onto the next one.
Okay, let's start hating big companies. Stop trying to sell me television services, film subscriptions and energy suppliers. You're everywhere. Back off. Pack up your bags and we'll make a pact that I call you.
And finally, the people trying to sell you nothing but eternal peace and happiness. Well, I'm not touching this one. They're the most considerate of the lot. They may shout out their views but they never personally stop me or make me feel bad for walking by. In fact I think it's pretty great they're shouting their views, they might not be mine but isn't that the point of a free country? Being able to talk about things freely is one of the greatest things about Britain. So there you go, Jesus wins.


For purposes of equality "Jesus" may be
replaced by a profit of your choice