Monday, 16 July 2012

The 5 Worst Ways to Die

5) Unsolved murder. Because I'd be looking down from heaven screaming "it's him, it's him! Arrest him! The evidence is all there! LOOK IN THE TRUNK UNDER HIS BED!" the frustration would kill me. Metaphorically.
4) Not dying until you're really, really old. This sounds pretty good, but imagine it. You're in your 90s, your children and grandchildren are a bit rubbish and never visit. All your friends are dead and your partner passed a decade ago. You only have the care home's nurse to talk to, and she's busy she's got a lot of people to look after. She's not paid enough and basically isn't in the mood for chit chat. So all your days are filled with is a bit of TV and the highlight of your week is Saturday night bingo.
3) Dying in a safety video. In primary school we were shown different safety videos so we wouldn't walk into the combine harvester. There'd be a group of kids (unsupervised while around dangerous equipment, something tells me we need to show these videos to parents) running around, all fun and games, until one fell in the river. Or there was the one where they took an old boat they found out into a lake but the boat had a hole in it and that was not good. I think one fell off the roof into the path of a tractor.
2) Death by chocolate. As in eating so much you can no longer clean yourself, walk or live. I really don't understand those people.
1) Falling into the slurry pit. For those of you who aren't knowledgeable about farming the slurry pit is where all the poo goes when it falls between the slates in the cow shed. Then, every so often, a man comes and uses a massive pipe to suck it all up and it gets spread onto the fields. There's a trapdoor that is used to access it and Grandad always warned me to stay well away in case I fell in and drown. In poo.

Oh cake, I can't stay mad at you

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

London: Extra Bits

There were some moments from my London mini-break (I'm so Bridget Jones) that I couldn't find a place for in my blog. I figured I'd throw it all into one post and see what happens, it's the blog equivalent leftover vegetable stew. You don't have enough of anything to make something specific, but sometimes it turns out to be the best meal you've had all week.
I'll start with meeting Abbie and Roy, Ashy's friends, they were so lovely. They'd been waiting in the line for the concert since about 1pm and had saved a space for us (thank goodness because the line was so long we couldn't see the end). Then there was a problem with Ashy's ticket (they'd put her in circle standing) and we had to beg staff to let her into the downstairs part because we were in a group of four and we didn't want to lose someone. They were so unhelpful, we must have talked to five members of staff all of which told us there was nothing they could do and that it was too packed to allow anyone extra in. Total rubbish because Ashy's 5"2 and a slip of a thing, no one would have noticed her being there. They even made us wait for manager, who looked stoned, and groaned "no" at us. The guy was so dopey it's amazing that he didn't add in "but I can sell you some pot". Luckily genius Roy thought of an idea, one so simple it couldn't fail to work, he came out of the room where where the stage was and gave Ashy Abbie's ticket so Ashy could get in. So after knowing them for about two hours they'd totally saved our night. Plus Abbie's mad camera skills recorded the show in a way that my phone could only dream about.

We spent a fair amount of time on the London underground. The only way to describe it is if the apocalypse happened and all the sinners were sent to hell they'd be sent there on the underground. It starts with a sudden jolt which can lead to a free grope from a stranger, depending on whether you take advantage of what life hands you. Then it whooshes through the black abyss. I tried to look out the window to see if the ball of flames was getting any closer when we stopped at London Victoria. Which is close enough. A lovely little mouse appeared on the part bellow the tracks while we waited for our next death ride, it was so sweet looking but it must have been deaf from the constant noise.

On Saturday we went to Camden market which, fair play to it was pretty big but it was a bit of an anti-climax. I'd been told it was too big to get around in one day and Ashy was told it's on four floors. I don't think we missed any bits out though because we saw some stalls twice. In fact it was a bit disappointing because there was no Marilyn Manson gear, which for the market that supposedly has everything is poor. He's been around for over two decades and everyone has at least heard of him so I would have expected a couple of t-shirts at least. Especially as he'd just played London. Another thing was the volume of second hand converse. They were everywhere and 80% looked like they'd been worn for a year straight. Seriously, who's buying the tatty Converse? They looked like they were ready for the bin, not a second home. I have no problem with second hand things, most of my books are from charity shops, but there's limits.

Finally, we watched 'Superbad', I'm sure most of you have heard of it, and we were literally in hysterics. Though that was aided by the wine. I asked Steve whether it's funny before a bottle of wine and apparently it is, but it's hilarious when you're drinking.

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Our Serving Suggestions Differ

Tonight has consisted of many, many bottles of wine. This has resulted in the great idea of complaining to Sainsbury's about their...well, you'll see.

"Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to you about your 'Sainsbury's Taste the Difference 2008 Vintage Cava'. First of all I would like to congratulate you on making such a lovely and affordable wine. My friend and I took advantage of the wonderful two for £12 offer you are currently running. I think this is great value as one bottle usually £10.49 which is still affordable, but we wouldn't have been able to buy so many.

While we were enjoying your excellent product I began to read one of the empty bottles that were stood next to me. We had an interesting conversation about the 'IWSC Bronze Award' the wine had received, the origins of the wine and then I cast my eyes upon the recommended serving of six glasses. I was sharing the bottle with a friend, we had drunk one glass each and there was only a third of the bottle left. Neither of us could believe it. There is no way there is six glasses of wine in the bottle. (We were using standard wine glasses)
I know you will be obligated by Sainsbury's to tell me that this is the official serving size, but seriously, throw a dinner party for six people (no drivers) and serve two bottles of wine. I guarantee you will be met with judgmental, horrified stares.
I would therefore like to suggest additional serving suggestions, perhaps a 'Sainsbury's suggestions', as to not mislead non-drinkers. Had I taken heed of the serving suggestion we would have had to resort to the cooking sherry much earlier than usual.

I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards,

Faye Hurley"

Friday, 6 July 2012

Marilyn Manson Concert Review

Usually the kind of nights which end up with other people's sweat on you are pretty darn good, and this was no exception. The show was opened by Lacuna Coil who played really well. They put a lot of effort into their performance and it showed. Unfortunately, they weren't playing for a crowd who particularly liked them. Our lack of enthusiasm was most prevalent when the singer asked everyone to jump during the next song and almost everyone stood their ground. We were all desperate for them to get the heck off stage so Marilyn Manson could come on.
Once Lacuna Coil finished we were left waiting forty minutes for Manson to come on stage. That's forty minutes of standing like a sardine in one hundred degree heat. It was hell. Luckily we were stood behind a very good looking man and yes, we did spend an ashaming amount of time ogling his bum.
The highlight of the wait for Manson though was reading a man's texts over his shoulder. He was asking his wife/girlfriend if there was enough milk (well, we did have lots of standing around time, minds do wander) to which she replied "enough until the morning unless you're wantin' Horlicks tonight". With the essence of rock and roll he then sent "I'll pick some up on the way home".
Now for the good part. The band opened the show with the song 'Hey Cruel World' and the crowd went wild trying to get a good view of the man himself. The stage was smokey and Manson had a hand held dry ice/smoke blower and was blasting the audience. This may have looked really cool, but honestly we were half choking to death on the stuff.
All the classics were played like 'Disposable Teens' (ohmygoodness) and the new tracks were executed with the quality you'd expect from a rock god. At the beginning it was a bit mad, with everyone pushing and shoving, but five or six songs in we mellowed out (when 'Slow-mo-tion' came on) and there was an atmosphere of pure enjoyment.
My favourite song was 'Irresponsible Hate Anthem'. We behaved exactly like the crowds in the cd recordings by chanting "we hate love, we love hate" until Manson came back on stage (he had about 5 or 6 costume changes) and played us what we wanted to hear. We. Went. Mad. Oh, it was everything I ever thought it would be.
The song with the best performance had to be 'Antichrist Superstar'. It was the longest costume change, about three minutes, and when he reappeared he was stood at a podium with the Antichrist Superstar logo. I loved the way he imitated politicians by blowing kisses to the crowd and plastering a grin on his face. It was classic Manson behaviour. He was dressed in a full suit with black lines down his face, which were smudged within seconds, making me imagine the make up artist slapping their forehead from the side of the stage. He pulled out the old 'rip up the bible' routine, but only a few pages. The recession has hit harder than anyone thought possible, even Marilyn Manson can't afford to rip up a full bible.
Overall, the performance was excellent. We spoke to a few people after the show and there were ones who thought it was good but not as good as his last tour. I attended that one too and think they were both brilliant. I especially enjoyed this one because I was with my friend Ashy who's lovely, so lovely in fact she bought me one of the tour t-shirts (thanks again!), and now I get to spend the next three days in her company so expect some entertaining posts in the near future.
All in all I'd give the concert 8/10, purely because I don't like Lacuna Coil or waiting around in stifling heat. But if the rating was only based on watching Marilyn Manson then it'd be the full 10/10.

Marilyn Manson @ O2 Academy Brixton 5/7/2012

Getting There

My journey to London began with a 10:20am coach from Leeds. After half killing myself getting up at 7am (I'm not missing college) and having my typical 'big day out' breakfast of scrambled eggs I was all set.
I got to the coach station without any hiccups. In fact I quite enjoyed walking around in my New Rocks, I felt like I had the world at my mercy with those steel capped boots. The coach was fine. There was a baby who, fair play to it, behaved pretty well with only a few grumbles along the way. The only issue was when I got up to use the loo.
So after hawk eyeing the door I grabbed my opportunity and went to the back of the coach. Only to be presented with a door without a handle. It had this rectangular dent, like if a child had tried to draw the sliding patio door, but when I went to slide it nothing happened. I pulled it back and forth, panicking by then because I'm 18 and really by now I should have mastered opening doors. Finally, and this is shameful to admit, a man opened it for me. He leaned over and opened it with his left hand. So what did I do? Well I did what any woman would do in that situation. I flirted. "You're obviously much stronger than me" *giggle* the 'I'm just a helpless children's story character' act. He took the bait and graciously acted like he was my knight in shinning armor. I'm Rapunzel, I thought, I'm Snow White, I thought. I was cocky now, thinking I must be great having men open doors for me. Then I get into the loo, look in the mirror and realise I'm a scarecrow. Cheers humidity, cheers.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Is the World too sexy?

This morning on the news I heard the story of a fourteen year old boy who had been given a community order for the rape of a five year old girl. The judge justified this by saying it wasn't the boy's fault, he had been 'corrupted' by internet porn.
I get where the judge is coming from, after all we live in a very sexual society. Everything is sold to us using sex and sex is used as a form of entertainment in everything from music videos to tv shows. These are the things children will see. It would be very hard to protect your child from every single racy image, but there are steps parents can take. For one thing, blocking the porn. It's hardly a massive life sacrifice and when weighed against the damage it can do I say you'd be better off just having good old fashioned real life sex.
The alternative is children growing up with a distorted view of sex, believing that the way women are treated in porn is actually how you treat a woman.
How much responsibility lies with the companies churning all this out? Well, they're not doing anything illegal and they're in fierce competition with one another so I wouldn't be the first to lay a basket of blame at their door. The government could bring in some regulations but this would be very hard to monitor. What's racy to one is tame to another and what one person finds offensive another will find a turn on. They can hardly bring in a skin-to-clothing ratio now can they?
Really the responsibility lies with us all, parents need to monitor what their children are viewing and companies should be more aware of their impact on young minds. In general we all need to push sex back into the bedroom because it's currently all over the house and I don't know about you, but I like my breakfast without a penis on the side.

The only sausage I want on a morning is
Linda McCartney's

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

You're Not Special

How many times have you heard someone say they're unique, special or different? I'd guess quite a bit, if you're anything like me. I see a lot of things on facebook that, first of all reminds me I need to weed out a lot of 'friends' on there, are about people expressing how they're different to everyone else.
No you're not. You're not different. You're just like everyone else. For one thing people who are different don't go around shouting about it. So that's pretty much how you check whether you are different. Oh, and if you do things just to stand out of the crowd, then look around, you're in the centre of the crowd.
I'm so sick of seeing people upload pictures they got from Google which totally expresses their inner most feelings and songs which totally get their lives. And if I say this, then I just don't get it *sob*. No, I get it, I just think it's dumb. The height of this is Tumblr which people use to collect photos taken and edited by someone else to define who they are. It's like an online scrapbook with unlimited access to pure crap. I know people can blog on there, but that requires effort and braincells.
The take home message here is it's fine to be part of the majority, after all that's society. There's nothing wrong with being average and at the end of the day we can't all be different. For one thing if we were then that would be the majority so by default that just can't happen. If you're one of the crowd stand up and admit it because sometimes it's better to be 'normal'. And if not, well at least you have company.

I could come up with a really deep
metaphor for this picture but it's
so cute that I don't want to

Two Days and Counting

My summer reaches its height in two days. My trip to London to see the only UK leg of Marilyn Manson's 2012 tour is on Thursday and I. Can't. Bloody. Wait.
Am I bragging? Of course I am, do you know how far in advance I had to organise this? In teenage speak ageeeeessssss. But thanks to good organisational skills it's happening, I'm going, I'll be there, I'll be watching. Live. Marilyn Manson. Oh YES.
Don't worry, I'll be giving a full blog post over to the show when I come home. I'm hoping to be able to give a rave review and fingers crossed I will. I saw him in 2009 during his last tour and that show was just amazing. I was completely taken over by him and the incredible show the whole band put on. It was easily one of the best moments of my life. Easily.
I don't know if you've guessed but my brain isn't working very well today so I won't drag this post out any longer. But don't worry, what I lack in decent material now I will more than make up for next week.