Monday, 16 December 2013

Interview with Dale Jones

Dales Jones is an actor from West Yorkshire who has appeared in various TV shows including: This is England; Hollyoaks; and, most recently, Fresh Meat. 

What made you want to become an actor?
At school I was never interested in drama, I was all about the music, but I got a call from the Yamaha FSIE national owners' club who wanted to know if I was interested in appearing with my bike in This is England. I sent in a photo of myself and ended up riding next to one of the main characters.
Taking drama at college is what made me really consider it as a career though. I couldn't imagine doing a 9 to 5 job. I want adventure!

How did you feel when you got the part on Fresh Meat?
When my agent rang me and said they'd spoken to Fresh Meat's producer who wanted me for the show I was incredibly excited. I was also a little apprehensive as this was my first feature role and I don't know what to expect, but overall I was really chuffed.

Were the Fresh Meat cast friendly?
As I had a feature role the assistant director introduced me to everyone during my first day on set. They all came over to shake my hand and some invited me to get coffee with them. Another cast member invited me to his upcoming comedy gig in Leeds. It was surreal as I'm used to being an extra and the main cast don't usually speak to extras.

What was the most challenging aspect of the role?
Probably the schedule. For early starts I had to be up at 04:30, hit the road to Manchester, sign in etc. Everything was such a rush. Then on set I had to act relaxed. It's difficult to go from two extremes.

What was your favourite moment on set? 
Extras often get called the day before a job and have to start at 6am. Then they might not use you! As I had a feature role they had specific times that they needed me so sometimes I got to strut in at 1pm. It felt great!

What can we expect to see you in next? 
Shana Furse, the voice of Iggle Piggle in In the Night Garden Live, contacted me to do a monologue. She wants to work with me but I'm afraid I can't give too much away.
My agent has lined up a few auditions in the near future. I'm still happy to do extra work but hopefully I'll get some more featured roles now. I want to rock my snakeskin boots on telly a bit more!

Dale plays 'Gary the goth' in Fresh Meat

Friday, 13 December 2013

Dior Addict Gloss Review

Dior. A beautiful brand that screams quality, class and luxury.
Not that I'm biased or anything...okay, maybe I'm a little biased, but only because of my previous experiences with their foundation and perfume ranges. If anything, I have very high expectations. 
The bottle is clear with 'Dior' raised on the plastic and an applicator wand on the inside. It's a brush, not doe foot, applicator.  
The gloss glides on easily in perfect quantities. My first impression was SPARKLY because the glitter to gloss ratio is phenomenal.The glitter is thousands of tiny glitter dots which dance at the slightest glimpse of light. 
It's not overly sticky, but the gloss is high shine and plumped my lips nicely. Think glamorous lady, not Katie Price at a glamour shoot.
The stay put time is long it takes you to eat or drink. Admittedly after a few hours the effect was slightly dulled but that's true of any lip gloss.
I don't think my lips have ever felt this luxurious. True Dior, true style.

So pucker up boys...

just kidding, I wouldn't want to smudge my gloss.

Dior Addict Gloss
Shade: 013 Etoilée
RRP £22

Saturday, 7 December 2013

Christmas Stress!

Every year Christmas is getting more stressful because, as an adult, people are expecting more from me than a card and Terry's Chocolate Orange.
Being a child was great because the most you had to do is write your name next to an adult's, in a card that they went to the effort of buying and share credit for the present they trawled to get. The worst you could do was write in a shocking scrawl that clashed against the pretty cursive of your guardian's.
But now I'm the one who is sending the share price of Royal Mail sky-rocketing with my stamp purchases, I'm the one elbowing people out of the way for that last Soap & Glory set and crippling myself waiting in endless lines, and it's my responsibility to risk paper cuts wrapping everything.
And it never ends! Everyday I think of a new person I need to send a card to or buy a gift for. Everyday I remember I need more wrapping paper/bows/present labels because no matter how many were left over last year I never have a single one in the house. And suddenly I'm endlessly trawling gift websites (instead of facebook) looking for 'that perfect gift' which I'm starting to think doesn't exist.
I now appreciate how stressful Christmas is and am mindful that it's only going to get worse. One day the responsibility of making Christmas dinner will fall on my shoulders (Christmas dinner in a can anyone?), but until that day comes I'm going to grab a gingerbread latte and relax in post shopping exhaustion.

In my wearied-from-Christmas mental state I'm beginning to
think a Terry's Chocolate Orange is the perfect gift

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Half a Muffin

Problem: Muffins are delicious but very fattening. It's not called a muffin-top for nothing.
My Solution: Eat half a muffin to halve the guilt.

This may seem like a reasonable solution. If one muffin is 350kcal (don't be shocked, this is average muffin territory) half a muffin is only 175kcal. And if it's blueberry muffin it's one of my five a day; if it's chocolate it's one of my three dairy servings.
But while you have a reasonable calorie solution you have a rather big issue leftover; you're eating half a sodding muffin.
What do you do with the other half if you're eating out? It seems a shame to leave it but crazy to tuck it in your handbag (crumb issues). The only way around this is to always eat muffins with a friend. You look cool and modern. Two skinny lattes and a muffin to share. Yeah, we're hip girls going to a cocktail bar later. We don't want to look too full.
But how many friends want to split a muffin? Not as many as you would think. If you buy a muffin and they refuse your offering of a half you're still left with half a muffin (see problem above) and it's worse because there's someone there to question your irrational behaviour. Because, let's just admit it, it's pretty weird to leave half a muffin.

I love you muffin, we can never part. That is why we must
never meet. To avoid the pain!

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

10 Things They Didn't Tell You About Being a Student

1) We want to sleep All. The. Time.
2) Students aren't skint by default, we spend an unholy amount of money on booze, takeaways, clothes and booze.
3) Further reading is a myth.
4) Sometimes we'll never know what happened on a night out. It's best to just let it go.
5) Your mother would be disgraced if she knew what you were up on a daily basis.
6) Nothing bonds a flat like a collective hangover.
7) Certain lectures become optional if that one is lecturing.
8) Forks have a habit of running away with the spoons.
9) Pizza is a food group.
10) Coursework was sent by a divine spirit, or at least you think so that until the week before a deadline when all you have is 50 words, three of which are your full name.

But it's all worth it

Friday, 25 October 2013

5 Really Stingy Money Saving Tips

The recession is on, the cost of living is high and the student loan is disappearing fast. There are two options: suffer and keep your pride or penny-pinch like never before.
There's no shame in being thrifty, embrace it (or tell yourself you're embracing it and repress your shame). To really get your money's worth keep the next five tips in mind.

1) When you're eating out you're often given packets of sugar, condiments or even cute mini pots of jam. If you don't use them, don't leave them on the plate for the waitress to clean away. They can't re-use them for hygiene reasons so they'll end up in the bin. Do the planet, and yourself, a favour by popping them in your handbag. 
2) When it's time to renew your phone contract talk to customer services and light-heartedly ask for a discount. There's a good chance they'll give you one, even if you have a small bill. I got £1 off my monthly £10.50 phone contract after being with T-Mobile for only a year!
3) If you have a bad experience with a company, or just some general feedback, tell them! Big businesses value customers' opinions. You'll help them improve their product/service and there's a good chance they'll reward you for it. I've been given cash compensation, vouchers and refunds; all for telling companies what I think (even if it's not very nice!). Also, don't be afraid to give positive feedback!
4) Shop in discount stores. Shameful? Yes. But big brands at little prices are a deal you can't afford to pass up.
5) Favourite coffee on a half price deal? Don't buy one, buy many! Seriously, non-perishables are great to stock up on because they last ages and if you're skint one week you'll always have something in.
Careful buying reduced stock if it's near the end of its sell-by-date. It might be a great deal, but are you really going to eat three tubs of Philadelphia in five days? If you throw food out it's money wasted no matter how little you spent on it.


Monday, 14 October 2013

Bridget Jones Diary: A Modern Classic?

With Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy being released this month I've been digging out my dog-eared copy of the book where it all began. I first read Bridget Jones's Diary when I was 12 (ashamedly young, I know, blame my mother for her loose bookcase supervision) and to this day I proudly profess it to be my favourite book.
Of course, some look down on Bridget and think of her the ultimate chic lit; an example of how the modern era has melted women's brains. To these people I say read the bloody book.
Because you can't judge a book by its cover, or its representation by Renee Zellweger. Some may say the obsessive calorie counting is trivial but during the Kate Moss era that BJD was released in emphasis was (and still is) placed on weight and skinniness making Bridget a product of her time and an example of how society can drive women into mental turmoil over trivial numbers. 
Bridget's choice between two men, the sexy fuckwit Daniel Cleaver or nice and dependable Mark Darcy, highlights how sexual attitudes in the nineties had changed. No longer were women simply looking to get married and have babies. Now women had the choice to 'play the field'. Casual sex wasn't new by any means but it makes a point about modern relationships and whether happiness lies with excitement or dependability. 
Parental relationships are also tackled. Bridget is faced with being a (thirty-something) child of divorce and has to come to terms with the fact that her parents are no longer 'mummy and daddy'. They are real people who have problems, which can be hard for all of us to accept at any stage in our lives.
Then there's the drinking, the swearing, the Christmas jumpers, the smug marrieds, the big knickers, the mini-breaks and, of course, the blue soup.
Bridget is not every woman, she's not even close. But a lot of us can see some part of ourselves in Bridget (I too have a love affair with alcohol units) and life would be a lot duller without Bridget counting her cigarettes and worrying about lesbians with 'legs up to here' making moves on her boyfriend.

Saturday, 5 October 2013

5 Beauty Essentials under £1!

Freshers' Fortnight is now over and the glory of the student loan has surely taken a hit (either from drinking or shopping) so it might be time to tighten those purse strings, unless you want to end up eating baked beans for a month straight.

1) Lemon and sugar. To make a hand scrub put sugar inside half a squeezed lemon. The acid in the lemon cleans and the sugar exfoliates your skin. You can also run it over any areas where fake tan has become streaked.
2) Mascara dry and clumpy? Close the lid tight and let it sit in a glass of hot water for a few minutes to give it a new lease of life.
3) Vaseline. What can't it do? Use the tinted one as an everyday lip colour. Use the clear one as a base for eye-shadow. Put it on your lashes to make them look longer. Use on patches of dry skin to moisturise. Use nightly for soft, kissable lips. Mix it with perfume to create an easy to transport scent (yes, really!). If your new handbag has a stiff zip whack some Vaseline on there, zip up and down a few times and away you go (also useful for tight dresses, but turn it inside out first in case you get any on the fabric).
4) The humble soap bar. Forget fancy cleansers, a good bar of gentle, creamy Dove (or whichever you prefer) is all you need. The most important aspect of the beauty regime is the regime, expensive cleansers weren't an option 50 years ago but people's faces didn't fall off. Cleanse and moisturise regularly and you should get the results you want.
5) Why spend £25+ on a professional facial or buy a cheap (but loaded with chemicals) DIY one when you can make your own face mask for literally pennies? There's one for every skin type and, best of all, you're completely  in control.

A bit of Astral face cream is all you need

Thursday, 26 September 2013

Essential Student Meals

Most new students have now moved out of the parental home and are attempting to make their own way in the world. But what happens when the pre-made meals your mum packed you off with run out?
Don't fear! You shan't starve as long as you keep reading...

1) Spag bol; the student speciality. The great thing about this dish is its versatility. If you can make bolognese you can make chilli, lasagne and tacos by adjusting your seasoning. Also, lump it onto a jacket spud for an amazing, quick dinner. It even freezes and microwaves well so make a big batch that will last a few mealtimes.
2) Stew. As long as you have some form of meat (even multiple forms) and something green you can make a good stew. It's one pot cooking with minimal fuss, what more do you want?
3) Eggs. Everyone forgets about eggs! Poach, scramble or fry them for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Turn leftover meat and veg into an omelette. Dare someone to swallow a raw one. The list is endless!


Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Make your own Instant Lattes!

Instant, package mix lattes can be expensive and packed with calories. You might be surprised to know your favourite drink is little more than coffee, flavourings and powdered milk!
So why not make your own? You'll save money, calories and can control the portion size.

To make a standard instant latte:
1 tsp instant coffee
3 tsp powdered milk
Your favourite mug and sugar to taste

It's really that simple! The great thing is you can adjust the above to your own tastes.
Use flavoured coffee (beanies and Douwe Egberts have a great range) to create vanilla, caramel or amaretto lattes. There's a whole range of flavours to choose from.
Add a spoon of hot chocolate powder to make a mocha.
Powdered skimmed milk makes a skinny latte or use full fat for a creamier taste.
You can also experiment with syrups for a sweet, flavoured treat.

Saturday, 17 August 2013

10 Ways to Eat Baked Beans

1) With sweetcorn mixed in
2) With lashings of pepper (you'd be surprised how much the taste changes)
3) In a toastie. A twist on beans on toast.
4) With a dash of ketchup/brown sauce/peri peri (useful for when you spend too much on booze and have to buy the cheap brands)
5) Cold. Not nearly as disgusting as it sounds.
6) Make your own!
7) Mixed with minced beef/Quorn mince to create a quick, filling meal.
8) Added to cooked mushrooms (let the mushroom juice and bean sauce mingle).
9) Heated for longer to thicken the sauce (again, useful for those cheap brands).
10) As a dip for nachos. Greatly improved by grated cheese.

Heinz: The King of Beans

Thursday, 8 August 2013

The Heat Review

The 'good cop bad cop' concept has had a makeover and The Heat prompts the question 'why hasn't this been done before?' Uptight, by-the-book FBI agent Sarah Ashburn (Sandra Bullock) is paired with foul-mouthed officer Shannon Mullins (Melissa McCarthy) to solve a drug case in Boston.
The character clash is instant and hilarious. Mullin's loud, lewd behaviour is offset by Ashburn's reserved and mildly repressed personality.
You'll also notice other famous faces, such as Marlon Wayans and Michael Rapaport, but the majority of screen time goes to the ladies. I thought this was a refreshing change and the golden pairing of Bullock and McCarthy reminds the world that, given the chance, women deliver quality comedy.
The script is well written and crammed with jokes, each of which are delivered with the precision you'd expect from such accomplished actresses.
I should also take the time to mention the kick ass soundtrack. The Isley Brothers open the film and set the tone with such precision it reminds you that background music really can make a film something special.
However, the plot was slow moving. Perhaps they should have spent less time swearing and more time on the case. There was also a blatantly obvious continuity error at a pivotal point in the film. A crying shame as the rest of the directing was top notch.
I'm awarding The Heat 4 stars as the comedy was nothing short of hilarious and I'm already clearing a place on my shelf for the DVD. It also gets major points for not forcing a romantic interest.


Monday, 5 August 2013

Giorgio Armani Liquid Foundation Review

Giorgio Armani Lasting Silk UV Foundation Shade 4
RRP £34

On first look the product is nothing special. The bottle is a boring black cap and glass combo that sports a functional pump top. There is no design flair which is surprising considering its origins. I expected something I would be proud to display on my dressing table. The 'Giorgio Armani' is barely visible, a look that is probably meant to be understated but comes out as depressingly unremarkable.
The foundation has a smooth, silky texture but upon application it becomes evident that it is too thin. It lacks coverage with even minor blemishes remaining visible.
There's a temptation to layer it on to improve the coverage, but this isn't possible as the foundation glides around with a shiny appearance to any that has not been blended properly. It also highlights any dry skin patches that weren't noticeable before application.
My skin was left feeling slightly oily with a rather unattractive sheen.
For the price, it is an abysmal waste. I've had better results from cheap foundations. One star. To shame Armani, to shame.

Friday, 26 July 2013

The World's End Review

The much anticipated finale to the Cornetto trilogy was bittersweet. It reached the high standards of its predecessors and will most likely become another classic British comedy. Our only problem now is when will we next have a trilogy capable of matching its success?
The film is about Gary King (Pegg), self-entitled 'the king', who reunites his childhood friends to attempt the 12 pint pub crawl they failed in 1990. During this time they find themselves fighting off an alien invasion, as you do. It's a plot that's very enjoyable as long as you don't think about it too much.
Before the film I was apprehensive about whether the plot would work. After all, watching 40 year old men attempting to binge drink sounds, quite frankly, sad. But it worked. The contrast between Gary King, who never left the nineties, and his group of professional, (semi) mature friends was realistic, funny and sometimes heart warming. In between the non-PC jokes that is.
The production quality was great with a noticeably higher budget than Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. The audience were treated to realistic explosions and even the quality of the fake blood seems to have improved since the days of zombies in the back garden.
If success was measured in laughter then The World's End would be a big hit. Snappy one liners and  running jokes had the audience in stitches, not to mention arming me with a whole range of memorable quotes ("stop starbucking everything!"). I'm conflicted about how to rate it though because while the script is hilarious and it's notoriously difficult to make a good sequel, never mind a trilogy, the ending is a real let down. It seemed to be thrown together with no real thought as to whether it flows with the overall plot. It's a real shame, but I'm still going to rate it 4 stars. A trilogy is no mean feat. Pegg, Frost and Wright have not let us down.


Tuesday, 23 July 2013

The Big Move: Plane Travel

Flying is an ordeal to say the least. It's made only worse by flying with Ryanair. So why do I keep using them? There's no easy way to say this...I'm cheap. I'll forego happiness to save fifty quid. Recession guys, recession.
Checking in is a pain because I know my bag is under the 15kg allowance but somehow when it comes to being weighed my suitcase is always heavier than when I set off. If I was the conspiracy theory type I'd say Ryanair fixes their scale so they can charge you more...hmmm.
I do enjoy the duty free area though, who doesn't? But yet more baggage restriction prevents me from going too wild (a good thing really, I guess). I do resent paying £4 for a cup of 'coffee' (read: muck in a cup).
Flying would be less stressful if there weren't so many safety instructions. They make me aware that humans belong on the ground. I'm far more likely to die in a bus crash than a plane crash but buses don't keep reminding me of that so I don't worry about it. Ignorance is bliss.
Then there's the ear popping, the crying babies and the stomach turning cheeriness of the flight attendants. The best plan is leave me to quietly read Cosmopolitan and drink the severely over-priced coffee. I'll perk up in baggage claim. Then the fun of coaches can begin!

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Monsters University Review

Seeing a children's film is hardly my idea of a rocking Wednesday night but, for the sake of nostalgia, myself and my friend went to see Monsters University. I have to say it was one of the best films I've seen this year! There was also no need to be embarrassed about being an adult seeing a children's film because there wasn't a single child in the cinema! It was all twenty-somethings with no shame.
The film begins with a young Mike whose dream of going to Monsters University is sparked by a class trip. So the little bugger works hard and gets into MU. Then he meets Sully (we all remember Sully *collective ahhhh*) who's that annoying slacker who never has a pen but wants to borrow yours. It's safe to say there's a hilarious clash.
I won't ruin the plot but the film features all the stereotypes you'd expect from an American university. There are nice but secretly bitchy girls, goths and 'jox'. There's some snappy one liners and comedy that we can all laugh at. And as it's a kids film it's 100% clean, which can be a nice change from adult films. 
The quality of animation is also excellent with attention to detail making for a good looking film. It's definitely a star addition to the Pixar portfolio and I predict it will match the success of the Monsters Inc film.
5 stars, easily.


Sunday, 7 July 2013

The Big Move: Packing

With 'the big move' (that's what I'm calling it) coming up I have had to begin the packing process. Understandably, sifting through everything I own and deciding what to keep and what to part with is a monumental task. Especially because, as an indecisive person, I tend to come back to the same maybe item three times before I decide it's turned into a no. I have separation issues with my clothes.
I've given away a good bit. In fact there's even more to give away but it's getting embarrassing now. I discovered another bag of clothes the other day (at my grandparents' house, I'm not some clothes wealthy diva) and have decided that enough is enough, My clothes have to find different homes.
A lot of my things are being given to charity. I know if I took the time I could stick them on eBay and make a few bob but donating them feels so much better. I like the idea that someone will stumble onto my old dress and appreciate it. Then in turn the charity gets a boost so we all win. Not to be a Self-Righteous Sally but if any of you have old clothes you should stick 'em in a bag and give them away. Even clothes you think have come to the end of their lives. Charities 'rag them' which basically means selling them off by the kilo. So even your old socks with the hole in the toe can help.
The thing is even tat, no matter how useless, seems to have some long forgotten dusty memory attached to it. I'm not cut out for this. Someone call Channel 4's 'The Hoarder Next Door' for me?

Fortunately for the cats they're already in Ireland
and do not have to be packed

Friday, 5 July 2013

It all Comes Down to This

It's finally here, after months of this countdown we have finally reached number 1! Can you guess it?
Well if you can't it's a poor do. It's my friends, obviously. What sort of sad act would I be if I missed pavements and Morrison's more than people?
The worst thing about missing friends is they're irreplaceable. Yes, all you out there take an ego boost. You're special one-of-a-kind people who I love. Or like very much.
I won't start naming everyone, that would get embarrassing and I'd have to think of a different compliment for every person. Over stretching my vocabulary may make it seem less sincere. But, awh, you're all just super. And that only sounds sarcastic because it is typed. It would be heart-warming if delivered vocally with the right tone. I swear.
Anyway, internet hugs to everyone. Yes, even you in the back. England has made some great people.

Group shot from my leaving night! Photoshop yourself
in if you feel left out.

There are scary moments at night when I lay awake in bed and worry I will have no one to drink a bottle of wine with. Then I remember Grandad's an avid whiskey drinker so having someone to booze with will never be an issue.

Friday, 21 June 2013

TWO Things I'll Miss

The penultimate post in my countdown is about something which you probably wouldn't think I'd miss considering I'm moving to Ireland. The pub.
OBVIOUSLY there are pubs in Ireland (the best pub to people ratio in Europe) but they're different. There's no chain of Yates and Wetherspoons selling two pitchers for £12. More like one pint for €5 which makes it harder to spend the afternoon sat in one without taking out another student loan.
There's also the problem that whatever pub you enter there will be somebody you know. Which limits the amount of karaoke I can do. And by karaoke I mean singing in the smoking area. No, you get drunk in your local and your mother will know before you've even started on your second voddy-n-coke.
There's also a great selection of pubs here, if you feel upmarket there's cocktail bars but if you feel upmarket yet your pocket won't back you up there's affordable cocktail bars.There's gastro pubs and pubs that serve microwave meals (but they're kind enough to put them on plates). Pubs that will always be stocked with old men and Tetley's (Ireland has these, but with Guinness). Sports bars...hey, I like pool! Student pubs and family friendly pubs. There's even a bar in Leeds that's shaped like a ship, although it's just a normal student bar inside; I'm sure somewhere there's a normal looking pub with a nautical inside.
Of course I'll find new pubs, but these are the ones I know so I feel attached to them. But if I get into that too much I'll start to miss Morrison's and the roads.


Thursday, 6 June 2013

THREE Times the Love of a Normal Blog Post

I'll miss the random freebies you can pick up walking through Leeds town. I've had soup, sweets, ice cream, granola bars, juice, hot chocolate, magazines, water saving kits for the garden, cereal, deodorants, hand warmers, stickers, chocolate, mascara, hazelnut milk, an ice scraper keyring for car windows, peppermint hot chocolate, pretzels, wrist bands, coffee flavoured milk, vouchers, enough pens to get me through the college year twice, condoms, hand sanitiser and endless leaflets about everything from God to electric buses.
I've played new computer games in massive tents. I've had a makeover on the bright pink Superdrug bus. I've watched, but never wanted to partake in, free games of basketball and football. Ditto goes for testing small electric cars.
Every one of these (except the sports) were nice surprises to my day. Some had perfect timing, like free fruit cooler samples on a sunny day. Or the hand warmer which I got during the freezing winter of 2010. I'll miss those unexpected boosts.

A pink double decker parked in the middle of the high-street?
Okay then.



Sunday, 26 May 2013

5 Insane Thoughts

It's exam time, the most stressful time of the year (yes, even worse than the January sales) and you can find yourself thinking crazy things. My top five insane thoughts this A Level year are:
1) We should do away with all the law, just scrap it, so I don't have to learn endless Acts, sections and paragraphs! Section 1 (1) says this, Section 1 (2) says that, I say let's go old school and bring back the Ten Commandments. They covered pretty much everything.
2) The time in my life when I most want a drink, to alleviate the stress of is this a complex or compound-complex sentence?, I can't drink. For many sensible reasons, the main of which is it erases memory and that just makes the problem worse. I'm still buying booze. It's literally stacking up.
3) Danny Mac, the gorgeous 'Dodger' from Hollyoaks, is going to be at Oceana on the 31st of May. Where will I be? Locked in a bare room with a naked light bulb swinging overhead, my eyes stapled to King Lear. This is not fair. And I bet he takes his shirt off, he always takes his shirt off! Argh!
4) Every time I read King Lear it has the same ending. Okay, fine, for the first two maybe three reads but it's getting incredibly monotonous. I know exactly what's going to happen when he divides his kingdom (excrement hits the oscillating cooling device) and no matter how much I yell at the book he still does it and he still ends up on the heath with me sighing and half watching Jeremy Kyle.
5) I've begun to bribe myself using similar bribes to the ones I was given as a child. Okay, not bribes 'parenting'. For example, "you can have some sweets when you finish your homework" (I was eight, bonbons were a great motivator). Now I say to myself "you can go to Starbucks if you finish this essay". I'm not sure whether I should be more worried that I'm effectively talking to myself or that I've separated myself into two beings. Either way I get a cappuccino.

Always topless, lovely and topless.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

Drowning in Health

8 glasses of water a day is the recommended amount of liquid to put into your body. I don't know about you but when I try to drink this much the feeling is akin to one of drowning from the inside. It simply seems too much. According to science though, it's the amount I need to prevent me from shrivelling up like a worm in the hot sun.
I can easily get on board with other nutritional recommendations. 5 servings of fruit or veg a day? Mighty. I love the stuff. Make it 7. I'd love that. 3 servings of dairy? Bring on the cow! Half a plate of carbohydrates for your main meal? Potatoes count? Load me up. But this water thing, I struggle I really do.
And the worst thing is while I struggle to get all my water I also counteract what I drink by mixing it with coffee and/or alcohol which both dehydrate you (if vodka diet cokes counted I'd be over hydrated if anything). Then there's the salt, which if half your plate is potatoes is vital.
What can you expect from not drinking enough water? Loads of things, the worst being death. But I'll probably choke down an Evian before that.


Thursday, 16 May 2013

FOURever Yours

First, let me apologise for this blog post's title. I'm scraping the bottom of the idea barrel for titles that incorporate numbers.
I'll miss the nightclubs in Leeds. There's something for everyone whether you're into metal, dubstep, boys, girls, unknown genders, cosplay, getting laid, dancing on poles, shots, pints, students, flashing the cash and everything in-between.
At home there are 3 local nightclubs. Two in a town 10 miles away and one 8 miles in the other direction. They cater for everyone and no one at once.
I'll miss the cheap drinks, getting hammered and a taxi home with change from a fifty will be a thing of the past. I'll miss walking into a club and knowing no one. I'll miss leaving the club knowing no one. I'll miss being in a club so full it'd take a week to introduce yourself to everyone. I'll miss the unanimous joy of 1,000 people at a song being played. I'll miss making friends for the night and never seeing them again, being left with nothing but random facebook photos and a hangover. I'll missing snogging a stranger and walking away, never seeing them again and no one knowing who they were. And not really caring. I'll miss drinking a latte at 4am because I never fancy Mc Donald's food. I'll miss staying out so late we end up getting the first bus home. And I'll miss the people I do it all with.

My birthday  2013

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Stayin' Alive Number Five

We're halfway through the countdown now. Time is flying!
Number five on the list is the quirks of Leeds. For example, yesterday afternoon I saw a giant Mr Blobby handing out sandwiches in front of a Yates. I've also seen a man wearing three hats at once, a children's entertainer who looked like the child snatcher and a plethora of other downright weird stuff.
The Headingly students never fail to provide visual entertainment. For those who don't know, they like to dress up. And I mean they go absolutely ape for it. I've seen so much fancy dress now I don't look twice at a group of (Where's) Wallys. 118 118 runners can frequently be seen jogging through the Otley run. No, you have to get something pretty original to surprise me. I've seen pea pods, all the superheroes, jungle animals, advert parodies, television characters, strawberries, cowboys and Indians, two-person costumes and everything in between. But the worst offender? The onesie. Can you not? Please.
It's going to be strange walking through a town without seeing a hundred prospective Jeremy Kyle episodes. Galway is a bit too normal. Still, I can watch Jezza on a morning over there and think of Leeds.

Who better to advertise Yates than Mr Blobby?
 He looks trashed all the time


Tuesday, 7 May 2013

How to Please a Woman

There are certain ways to handle situations which will result in a happy woman and therefore a happy man. However, if protocol is ignored you might as well start building that bomb shelter now.
You don't need to understand the reason behind these things. You just have to do them. They won't work for every woman, but if they did dating would be easy.

1) Don't say are you having dessert? This question is too unknown, the question is are you having dessert because we don't want to sit there eating dessert if you're not going to. Why? Never mind why, you wouldn't understand. What you have to do is inform her of your intentions while asking her. Example: I like the look of the ..., are you going to have dessert too?
2) Don't ever comment on the outfit with anything but showers of praise. Don't do it. Just stop. Close your mouth. 
3) When a woman complains about a work colleague/'friend'/person on the bus they just want to complain. They will only want a solution about 10% of the time. The other 90% they feel better just for venting. So listen and nod at appropriate times.
4) No, she doesn't want to sit in the pub with your dickhead mates, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be invited. Why? Because it's nice to be asked.
5) Don't be clingy, as far as turn-offs go you might as well wear her dressing gown (...don't). Equally, don't be aloof. You'll come across as cocky and difficult to read. Best policy is say what you mean and be yourself, unless what you mean is marry me after a month or who you are is a massive bellend. In that situation be someone else.

There's too much to ever cover in one blog, so if all else fails some nice flowers and wine will fix 75% of all problems. The other 25% will require two bottles of wine.

"Wine! How did you know?"



Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Six six six

You know, one of the most surprising thing I'll miss is college. In 2010 I started at Leeds Tech and it was the best experience I've ever had with education. I liked what I was studying, I liked my classmates and I liked my campus, but knew I didn't want to make a career out of it. I applied to transfer to Park Lane to take A Levels and it was different, to say the least.
Park Lane is far from perfect, but in a way all the things that make it so resoundingly crap are what I'll miss. When else will I be able to make endless jokes about an English department whose number one teaching method is sticking on a video? When will I encounter a computer system so basic it's quicker to chisel an essay into stone? And where will I find an institution that's pushed to the limit with its budget, yet still covers the walls with Barney Stinson style motivational posters?
It's not all bad though. We got a 'chill-out' room this year which provides refuse for all those with a break or a lack of motivation to attend class. I have a teacher who is like an English Zooey Deschanel, complete with revision crosswords and word searches. And law bingo, that's right bingo.

This is honestly the nicest picture of college I could find

Thursday, 25 April 2013

SEVENth Heaven

I'll miss the feeling of getting off an early morning train and joining a sea of people. They all have direction and purpose. Everyone is clock-watching. It makes you feel more important for being there.
Even though I only use the trains to go to college, it's nice to have that feeling of what time is is? Do I have time for coffee? Ugh, no, the line. I'll be late. C'mon! Move! Some people!! We don't all have the time to walk 2 MPH!!!! 
It might be hectic and stressful but it's weirdly satisfying to know that I'm walking with people who are thinking the same thing and feeling an identical level of agitation. More specifically, it's comforting to know I'm not the only person to consider using a Metro as a weapon.
Which brings me onto how much I'll miss the Metro! I love reading Nemi on a morning. I know I can read it online, but that's not the same. And 'How To Speak Cat'! Ohhhhhh! And Danny Wallace's articles! And, the news too...I guess.
I'll even miss those yellow and orange tickets clogging up my purse.

The home of two Starbucks!

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

I've got Love for You if You were Born in the EIGHTies

Everyone knew this would have to place somewhere on the list, but I honestly cannot stress how much I will truly miss this. It's the epitome of being British. It is...fish and chips.
The glorious smell when you walk towards the fish and chip shop, the delight of being handed a warm parcel, getting home and unwrapping it, and letting the aroma fill the kitchen. Sloshing vinegar all over with a good bit of salt, before carefully squirting ketchup onto the side of the plate for dipping (I never was the 'all over' type). Eating a chip with your fingers before taking up your knife and fork to begin the feast. Ohhh, it's a beautiful thing. My family have bonded so much over those silent moments, broken only by offerings of bread and low mmm sounds. Crispy batter and tangy vinegar, when it's done right it's no longer a meal. It is an experience.


Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Small Penis Syndrome

King Lear, a famous play by Shakespeare. We know the characters (assuming you've read it/seen it/browsed the York Notes in Waterstone's) and there's not much new you can say about it. Edmund the illegitimate son, very angry, no mercy and a bit of a bastard (his word, not mine).
Edmund's angry throughout the play, whether it's daddy issues or trying to beat his little brother it's safe to say his home life is troubled. Then there's the whole 'plotting against the ruler of the kingdom' thing. Edmund isn't happy creating trouble at home, no, he has to go and mess with Britain. And we have the two women that, instead of choosing from outright, he leaves hanging on until one dies.
Edmund is clearly suffering from small penis syndrome. Take the women for example, the true reason he doesn't make a move on Goneril may be that she'll take one look and decide to go back to her reasonably sized husband. Then she might tell Regan, because women talk, and Regan might decide to find a strapping soldier to have her wicked way with. There's constant animal imagery surrounding these women during the play, assuming this stretches to the bedroom it's going to take a beast to please them.
Then there's Edgar, his brother, who Edmund has a massive problem with. The only thing he's done is be legitimate...or is it? Edgar may have some impressive apparatus stored in his tights. The explanation is his legitimacy means the gods have blessed him in this way, as a reward to his parents for putting a ring on it (although, obviously not a condom). Therefore Edmund's small size can be seen as a punishment, even a  warning to the audience against milking the cow before you buy it. This also explains why Edmund is so cruel towards his father, his bed hoping is the cause of Edmund's misery.
Taking over the kingdom is Edmund's attempt to get over his size issues as, let's face it, who cares about inches when you've got power? If he took partial control over Britain women would fall at their knees. Edmund could feel at ease with himself and all would be dandy. Of course, it didn't work out that way but that's Shakespeare for you!

Number Nine, Feelin' Fine

Number nine in the countdown of things I will miss about Leeds is the Yorkshire accent. It's the only place where you get to say the 'c word' instead of couldn't and no one notices and/or cares. Grannies say it, kids say it, personally I go out of my way to say the things I 'cunt do'.
Besides from a childish gratification of listening to swears there's the classic dropping of 'the'. Where are you going? T'shop. Yorkshire's not fancy, up here we make do with one letter and by God we like it!
Like anywhere, the Yorkshire dialect has its own slang. I'll miss those words springing up in conversation. Do you know how confusing it was to learn what a collop was?! Now, unless I have to translate for a Yorkshire person at a fish and chip shop, all that knowledge will go to waste!

I can buy Yorkshire puddings anywhere, but
they still deserve a mention

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

The Countdown Begins!

As some of you know, my days in Leeds are limited. There are only 10 weeks left of me staying in this city and they're flying by. Always one for looking for a blogging opportunity, I'm starting a countdown of the ten things I'll miss about Leeds. A weekly one, as not to overload myself with grief. Obviously.
Let's get started then! At number ten, I'm going to miss the feeling of no matter where you are you're never more that 20 paces from a Greggs. I don't even like Greggs. But Leeds does. Leeds flipping loves a Greggs. And Greggs does hold good childhood memories of sausage rolls and gingerbread men.
This also extends to never being far from a Starbucks, there are only 3 in Belfast. THREE! Leeds has TWO in the train station alone! On the bright side, all that extra walking to get a coffee can justify going venti.

Everyone loves a sausage roll!

Friday, 22 March 2013

Snow snow snow!

Yet another spring morning was ruined today by looking out my window and seeing the white plague. Yes, it has snowed again. This blog post is just an announcement to the weather that it isn't funny any more! I don't like frostbitten hands, I don't like bus disruptions and I certainly have fallen out of love with my wellies.
The romantic notion that snow can be a happy, wonderful meteorological event is over. There is no fire to warm ourselves up by (budget cuts), we're just huddling next to radiators wearing unattractive jumpers in the safety of our sitting room. And all that lovely warming hot chocolate? Well it's now a choice of stay warm or stay thin.
There's nothing we can do about it though, besides from everyone putting their heaters outside and melting  snowflakes with a hair-dryer. I hope you all have a very happy snow day, I look forward to seeing everybody's weather complaints on my facebook feed (groan).


Saturday, 9 March 2013

Ask a Stupid Question...

Having been brought up in another country I'm often asked things about Ireland by people here in the UK. That's fine, curiosity is good. However, some questions are best kept to yourself lest you end up in a blog post where your ignorance is revealed to the world.

1) 'Is Ireland not part of Britain?' No, and considering Britain is your country it's quite shocking how many people think the whole island comes under the UK. Even the weather report map only shows the north...unless you think that's the whole of Ireland and instead of the republic there's just more Atlantic ocean. I'm having very worrying thoughts about the English education system.
2) 'What currency does Ireland use?' This is usually followed by them stating the assumption of Ireland using sterling. Even if they knew the difference between the Rep. and Northern Ireland. No, it's the Euro. Just like the rest of Europe. We conformed to those shiny cents years ago. Incidentally getting rid of the dirtiest sounding currency ever, the punt. It was a good thing it went really, no one could pay for anything without sniggering.
3) 'Ireland has its own language?' Yes, just like nearly every country that isn't England, Ireland has its own language. How can you know about Welsh and not the Gaelic language? If nothing else it should stick in your mind because it sounds like some kind of sex thing, no other language sounds like something you could get off an adventurous lad on a Saturday night. So don't be forgetting it again.
4) 'Do you travel by horse?' Only ever asked once, but once was enough. I told them no, Ireland also uses cars like the rest of the first world. In fact, not to burst your bubble, Ireland isn't some kind of backward country where the best technology is the potato clock. We have the iPad. And we know how to use it.
5) 'Do you know *any Irish name*?' No. Probably because they live on the other side of the country and, contrary to popular belief, Ireland has more than 50 people. The pope banning contraception made sure of that.

I'd also like to dispute the assumption all Irish people are called 'Paddy' or 'Mary' but, er, there are quite a lot of those so...we'll let it slide. And I'm not even touching the topic of drinking, all I'll say is the 'Republic of Ireland' has the word 'pub' in it. Draw your own conclusions.

We give the donkeys a rest these days


Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Facebook is not your Therapist

I hear that people use facebook to build an illusion of a fairytale life full of smashing nights out, happy relationships and Sunday dinners. I hear all this, yet I sign in and see whining people going on and on about...everything. It's all moaned about on my facebook feed. And, my God, it gets repetitive.
I know life isn't perfect, everyone has downs. But it's always the same people posting these depressive statuses or ones which are obviously aimed at a certain person. If you're having a down you should go talk to your friends in real life. Because if that problem is as bad as you're making it out to be then posting a few lines to a social media site won't help at all. You need someone to talk through it either on the phone or in person. And if you're writing those aggressive statuses where you might as well tag the person because everyone knows who you're talking about, then have a good look at yourself, because no matter what they did your angry rant makes you look bad too.
The thing that really irks me though are people who fish for compliments. Posting a photo and calling yourself fat is an obvious example, if you're so self-concious about it why are you posting it?
Talking about how 'bad your life is', sorry, do you have food, heat and a roof over your head? Yes? Do you live with an abusive person? Have a drug problem? Have a terrible illness? No? Then give it a rest. There are people who would kill to be in your position. We all have problems. But, in the grand scheme of things, most of them aren't that important and you won't remember them a year from now.
I know what you're thinking, why not delete all these people? Well, I have deleted some people who do the above. But it's tricky, some people are actually my friends, not just pub randoms, and they'd notice if I deleted them. Then there'd be a tirade of vague and aggressive facebook statuses about me.
I'm in no way against people asking for support. I just think there's a place for that, you're probably better off going to your friends. And if someone argues that some people don't have any real friends, well I can't believe that everyone who has been moaning on my, personal facebook feed hasn't got one friend in the real world. If nothing else it's statistically impossible. I don't know enough social hermits for a start.


Saturday, 16 February 2013

Just be Glad it's not Rat

The horse meat scandal, no need to go into details if you've been awake at any point during the last month. What a fuss, eh? Everyday more and more places are coming out, red-faced and looking at the ground while they admit that they've been quite liberal in their use of the word 'cow'. In fact now they've lost a certain amount of the shame, it's more like they're popping their head around the door and saying "oh, us too by the way".
What's the real issue here though? I think the majority have agreed it's not the horse meat, but the deceit (any rappers out there feel free to borrow that one). I understand the supermarkets are struggling to meet the demand of customers wanting ever lower prices, so maybe the cheaper horse meat option is appealing (though they deny knowledge of where Beauty went, I figure they were more turning a blind eye than sitting in the dark). The thing is I bet if they offered a cheap ready meal which was honest about its contents people would still buy it.
Most importantly though, if you're paying 72p for your dinner you should be glad it's only horse meat that's in there. Let's face it, mince can be nasty enough. When the whole mince based meal gives you change from a quid it's guaranteed to be. Essentially it's the parts of the cow that if you cooked them as they were people would refuse to eat, it literally has to be mashed beyond recognition to become edible. At least if your lasagne has been filled out with some horse there's a lower percentage of cow labia in there.

I'd like to thank all the horse lasagne purveyors out
there, the intense media coverage has
taught me to spell lasagne.

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Blood Donation

Today I went to the blood bank because I thought it's about time I gave blood. It's not like I'm lacking. After going through a quick form they had me on this lovely reclining chair and were getting me ready for donation. Then the news came. My veins are too small to donate. The lady checked both arms and got another woman to double check, but no luck my tiny little veins weren't up to it. I was surprised, because I could clearly see one, which I pointed out. Apparently though the needle is bigger than my own vein. A frightening thought.
So while I can't help the cause a lot of you out there can. It's not all needles and taking bodily fluids though. There's free biscuits and drinks! And definitely none of it is used to make black pudding.
But most importantly you could literally save someone's life, from car accidents to cancer patients there's loads of people who need a bag o' blood. Don't be a Greedy Gretel, share your red gold.

Visit www.blood.co.uk find your local blood bank.

Monday, 11 February 2013

5 Things Never to do While Drunk

You know the feeling, halfway into a bottle of something, when you catch a look of yourself in the mirror and think you're drunk. It is now you must make the decisions which will determine just how much shame you wake up with. There's 5 main things you're going to want to avoid.

1) Drunk texting. The horror of reading what you sent the night before is unimaginable. Guaranteed to make your stomach turn more than those jagerbombs, it's better to turn the damn thing off.
2) 'Just going for it'. Stop, don't go for it. Whatever you were going to do it's not a good idea. No one wants to see you pole dance. No one wants to see you moon random cars on the street. No one wants to play cock or balls. And those who egg you on are sober and criminally insane, or drunk too. And since when do you trust the judgement of drunk people?
3) Confessions of any type. Taking an issue that would be a five minute conversation in sober life and turning it into an hour long theatre production just builds for next day duvet cringing.
4) Drinking competitions. Oh it might be all fun and games, but whoever loses really loses. Like their stomach contents. We can't all drink at the same pace and to the scrawny guy trying to match his rugby player friend pint for pint, do you not understand alcohol at all? Weight plays a major factor. It's why the fat guy over there can drink 10 pints and still have room for a doner kebab while Mr. Hipster is passed out in a corner. Also, because Mr. Hipster has bad friends, who apparently think the corner is a good drunk person holding place.
5) Passing out. Oh sweet baby Jesus, don't you dare lose conciousness around students. While those in their thirties may worry about their half dead friend a student sees a dead drunk as comic opportunity gold. If you're lucky you'll get drawn on, after that you're risking anything from hair removal to permanent injury. Nothing is worse than waking up without your eyebrows. Well, except for maybe waking up missing a tooth.

Not even a little true

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Recycling

Recycling: The number one nag we all face on a daily basis. From the sides of my yoghurt pots to the front of my Metro, I'm being berated to save mother earth by putting everything in the right bin.
I don't have a problem with it, it's not like separating rubbish takes long, but sometimes, as I'm washing out my jam pots, I think why do I even bother? Because landfills are filling up in seconds and my jam pots seem to be doing nothing to stop the news reports about how we'll all be wearing refrigerator suits by the year 2020.
Then I see people not bothering to recycle, which doesn't really irk me because sometimes I'm lazy too, and I think well, my jam pots have been undone right there! And it's less of an irritation at that person and more a frustration that even if I was perfect about my own environmental impact I'd still only save about one hedgehog a year. And even then, the thing would be run over by a gas guzzling 4x4.
And, oh, if I'm totally honest, I think I lean more towards hurting the planet than helping it. Not because I'm a seal whacker, it's just the city lifestyle. Some of you may be looking at me with disgust right now, but hold your criticisms. Just because you chuck your Starbucks cup in the recycle side of a public bin doesn't mean you're green. Chances are, like me, you're choking mother earth with your constant bus journeys and imported foods. Then there's everything else we import (about 90% of whatever's around you right now) and things like how even eating is harmful to all the fields because of all the nasties used in crop production.
So there you have it, unless you're living in a remote self-sufficient community of tree huggers the chances are you're doing more harm than good. But that's no reason to give up, washing your jam pots does help but maybe try to rinse those milk bottles too. However, I won't judge you if you don't have a 'bag for life', I can only commit to a one year phone contract never mind a bag for life.



Saturday, 26 January 2013

3 Qualities that Always Annoy

We all have them, those little niggles that no matter how much you try to ignore them, still irritate you. These are the top three that make me want to scream at people and are the reason I will suffer some form of stress induced heart attack in later years.

1) People who talk like children. Oh God this one gets me, you're a grown man/woman. Stop. Using. A. Toddler's. Vocabulary. After about ten you're expected to call it a biscuit, a pair of pyjamas, a bird etc. Talking like that makes you sounds like a dummy and insults my intelligence too.
2) Dickheads who talk to other dickheads in dickhead speak about dickhead matters. Often while their hands are down their pants holding their mini-dick in place, lest it drop off and, God forbid, a woman not be subjected to ten minutes of dissatisfaction.
3) People who believe anything they hear and then try to pass it on like it's the word of God. Case in point that stupid rumour Marilyn Manson had his ribs removed to give himself oral sex. Sorry, but what? What? WHAT?! Why would someone who has as much money or power as he does go through such an ordeal just to suck his own penis? The first problem is why would you have such an extensive operation, which would require months of recovery, just for the sake of doing yourself? The second is between all the groupies willing to do it for him and the prostitutes he could pay to do it, why would Manson even go to that extent? I mean seriously, concentrate hard and try to grow some brain cells.

You know Manson had his cock cut off
so he could suck it any time, anywhere?

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

5 Reasons to Hate E-Readers

I've mentioned it before in Useless Technology but the E-Reader is something which really gets on my nerves. Here's an extended rant on why.
1) E-Readers don't have that 'new book smell', which, admittedly, seems like an odd thing to put at number one.
2) You can only swipe the page instead of turning. This has two effects; a good book becomes a real page swiper, which sounds too violent and erratic to relate to the feeling of a good book, and, if you're like me, you'll end up with a smudged screen which you're constantly wiping. This is also a problem with wine glasses, my fingerprints become engrained on them, but it bothers me less. Partly because of all the wine.
3) You have to charge them. I know, the battery life is ah-mazing, but you still have to charge them. Even if you only do it once a fortnight it still opens up the possibility of getting on a train, pulling out your e-book and finding you can't read it because it's got a dead battery. Books are more reliable.
4) You can break an e-reader, you can't break a book. The only things which ruin them are water and fire, however that'll break an e-reader too. But drop a book and who cares? Maybe your mum, telling you to pick it up she just tided the sitting room, but certainly not your bank account.
5) That lovely bookcase doesn't look right completely empty except for an e-reader. In fact, it's probably one of the saddest looking things you could do, home décor wise.

I guess it leaves more room to hoard old magazines,
what you can download those too?!

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Sick Day

I woke up this morning looking like, well I can't even think of a good simile. The elephant man is definitely too extreme. The elephant man's cousin is slightly more fitting. My eyelids were swollen and red, one looked like I'd just spent the last hour crying but the other was worse.
There I was, 6:30am, staring at myself in the mirror and wondering what can I do? Because, well, I have a weird thing. My attendance at college has been 100% and I don't like to take time off because once I do I'll open the floodgates. I'm like those obese women who open a family sized bar of chocolate and eat it all in one go. Once the number comes down from perfection I'm just like screw it, I can't undo what I've done might I as well go whole hog.
So I did what any person with questionable mental health would do, I searched the freezer for ice and held it to my eye while I got on with the normal routine. Not so crazy you say? Well, what you may not know is I'm short sighted in my left eye (but thanks to an over compensating 'super-powered' right eye I don't need glasses) so by holding an ice pack to my right one I was effectively limiting my vision to an arm's length. Now picture the scene; a girl with limited vision trying to stir porridge with one hand and clasping ice to her eye with another while simultaneously cursing the whole world and everybody on it (sorry about that).
Shockingly enough it didn't do much so I turned to 'Plan B'; pile make up on. Bet you didn't think you could fix swelling with foundation and strategically placed mascara! Well, you're right you can't. Even toning down one eye and using highlighting make-up on the other wouldn't even them out. Then I lost the ability to tell how bad it was because I was looking at it so much, like I'd adjusted to life with swollen eyes. So while you were all tucked in bed or munching on Cornflakes I was running between the mirror in the bathroom, my bedroom and the guest bedroom to see myself in different lights. The result of which was 1) my eye still looked bad and 2) my hair looked bad too.
'Plan C'? There was no 'Plan C', no one makes a 'Plan C' because if A and B fail you should just give up. Which I did, I stayed at home and blogged about my ridiculous morning. Worst thing about a sick day where you're not actually sick is I'm all geared up with nothing to do. Unlike a doss day which I would plan ahead the night before so I'd at least get a lie in. I mean, what good is a day off where you get up at 6:30?



Tuesday, 1 January 2013

5 Bad Things About Christmas Ending

1) I have to change my Twitter and Blogger theme to non-Christmas, which is always depressing.
2) The accumulative hangover of the Christmas season hits you in one go, it's like your head is tied to tracks and a hangover train is running over it. Choo choo.
3) You have to start dieting to lose the Christmas weight, all those tins of Quality Street and Ferro Rocher trees catch up with you.
4) There is debt, or at least a money shortage, because we all went a little mad on gifts. 
5) It's the longest possible time before more Christmas.

Damn Ferro Rocher chocolates, this is
all your fault!