Saturday, 26 January 2013

3 Qualities that Always Annoy

We all have them, those little niggles that no matter how much you try to ignore them, still irritate you. These are the top three that make me want to scream at people and are the reason I will suffer some form of stress induced heart attack in later years.

1) People who talk like children. Oh God this one gets me, you're a grown man/woman. Stop. Using. A. Toddler's. Vocabulary. After about ten you're expected to call it a biscuit, a pair of pyjamas, a bird etc. Talking like that makes you sounds like a dummy and insults my intelligence too.
2) Dickheads who talk to other dickheads in dickhead speak about dickhead matters. Often while their hands are down their pants holding their mini-dick in place, lest it drop off and, God forbid, a woman not be subjected to ten minutes of dissatisfaction.
3) People who believe anything they hear and then try to pass it on like it's the word of God. Case in point that stupid rumour Marilyn Manson had his ribs removed to give himself oral sex. Sorry, but what? What? WHAT?! Why would someone who has as much money or power as he does go through such an ordeal just to suck his own penis? The first problem is why would you have such an extensive operation, which would require months of recovery, just for the sake of doing yourself? The second is between all the groupies willing to do it for him and the prostitutes he could pay to do it, why would Manson even go to that extent? I mean seriously, concentrate hard and try to grow some brain cells.

You know Manson had his cock cut off
so he could suck it any time, anywhere?

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

5 Reasons to Hate E-Readers

I've mentioned it before in Useless Technology but the E-Reader is something which really gets on my nerves. Here's an extended rant on why.
1) E-Readers don't have that 'new book smell', which, admittedly, seems like an odd thing to put at number one.
2) You can only swipe the page instead of turning. This has two effects; a good book becomes a real page swiper, which sounds too violent and erratic to relate to the feeling of a good book, and, if you're like me, you'll end up with a smudged screen which you're constantly wiping. This is also a problem with wine glasses, my fingerprints become engrained on them, but it bothers me less. Partly because of all the wine.
3) You have to charge them. I know, the battery life is ah-mazing, but you still have to charge them. Even if you only do it once a fortnight it still opens up the possibility of getting on a train, pulling out your e-book and finding you can't read it because it's got a dead battery. Books are more reliable.
4) You can break an e-reader, you can't break a book. The only things which ruin them are water and fire, however that'll break an e-reader too. But drop a book and who cares? Maybe your mum, telling you to pick it up she just tided the sitting room, but certainly not your bank account.
5) That lovely bookcase doesn't look right completely empty except for an e-reader. In fact, it's probably one of the saddest looking things you could do, home d├ęcor wise.

I guess it leaves more room to hoard old magazines,
what you can download those too?!

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Sick Day

I woke up this morning looking like, well I can't even think of a good simile. The elephant man is definitely too extreme. The elephant man's cousin is slightly more fitting. My eyelids were swollen and red, one looked like I'd just spent the last hour crying but the other was worse.
There I was, 6:30am, staring at myself in the mirror and wondering what can I do? Because, well, I have a weird thing. My attendance at college has been 100% and I don't like to take time off because once I do I'll open the floodgates. I'm like those obese women who open a family sized bar of chocolate and eat it all in one go. Once the number comes down from perfection I'm just like screw it, I can't undo what I've done might I as well go whole hog.
So I did what any person with questionable mental health would do, I searched the freezer for ice and held it to my eye while I got on with the normal routine. Not so crazy you say? Well, what you may not know is I'm short sighted in my left eye (but thanks to an over compensating 'super-powered' right eye I don't need glasses) so by holding an ice pack to my right one I was effectively limiting my vision to an arm's length. Now picture the scene; a girl with limited vision trying to stir porridge with one hand and clasping ice to her eye with another while simultaneously cursing the whole world and everybody on it (sorry about that).
Shockingly enough it didn't do much so I turned to 'Plan B'; pile make up on. Bet you didn't think you could fix swelling with foundation and strategically placed mascara! Well, you're right you can't. Even toning down one eye and using highlighting make-up on the other wouldn't even them out. Then I lost the ability to tell how bad it was because I was looking at it so much, like I'd adjusted to life with swollen eyes. So while you were all tucked in bed or munching on Cornflakes I was running between the mirror in the bathroom, my bedroom and the guest bedroom to see myself in different lights. The result of which was 1) my eye still looked bad and 2) my hair looked bad too.
'Plan C'? There was no 'Plan C', no one makes a 'Plan C' because if A and B fail you should just give up. Which I did, I stayed at home and blogged about my ridiculous morning. Worst thing about a sick day where you're not actually sick is I'm all geared up with nothing to do. Unlike a doss day which I would plan ahead the night before so I'd at least get a lie in. I mean, what good is a day off where you get up at 6:30?



Tuesday, 1 January 2013

5 Bad Things About Christmas Ending

1) I have to change my Twitter and Blogger theme to non-Christmas, which is always depressing.
2) The accumulative hangover of the Christmas season hits you in one go, it's like your head is tied to tracks and a hangover train is running over it. Choo choo.
3) You have to start dieting to lose the Christmas weight, all those tins of Quality Street and Ferro Rocher trees catch up with you.
4) There is debt, or at least a money shortage, because we all went a little mad on gifts. 
5) It's the longest possible time before more Christmas.

Damn Ferro Rocher chocolates, this is
all your fault!