Saturday, 16 February 2013

Just be Glad it's not Rat

The horse meat scandal, no need to go into details if you've been awake at any point during the last month. What a fuss, eh? Everyday more and more places are coming out, red-faced and looking at the ground while they admit that they've been quite liberal in their use of the word 'cow'. In fact now they've lost a certain amount of the shame, it's more like they're popping their head around the door and saying "oh, us too by the way".
What's the real issue here though? I think the majority have agreed it's not the horse meat, but the deceit (any rappers out there feel free to borrow that one). I understand the supermarkets are struggling to meet the demand of customers wanting ever lower prices, so maybe the cheaper horse meat option is appealing (though they deny knowledge of where Beauty went, I figure they were more turning a blind eye than sitting in the dark). The thing is I bet if they offered a cheap ready meal which was honest about its contents people would still buy it.
Most importantly though, if you're paying 72p for your dinner you should be glad it's only horse meat that's in there. Let's face it, mince can be nasty enough. When the whole mince based meal gives you change from a quid it's guaranteed to be. Essentially it's the parts of the cow that if you cooked them as they were people would refuse to eat, it literally has to be mashed beyond recognition to become edible. At least if your lasagne has been filled out with some horse there's a lower percentage of cow labia in there.

I'd like to thank all the horse lasagne purveyors out
there, the intense media coverage has
taught me to spell lasagne.

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Blood Donation

Today I went to the blood bank because I thought it's about time I gave blood. It's not like I'm lacking. After going through a quick form they had me on this lovely reclining chair and were getting me ready for donation. Then the news came. My veins are too small to donate. The lady checked both arms and got another woman to double check, but no luck my tiny little veins weren't up to it. I was surprised, because I could clearly see one, which I pointed out. Apparently though the needle is bigger than my own vein. A frightening thought.
So while I can't help the cause a lot of you out there can. It's not all needles and taking bodily fluids though. There's free biscuits and drinks! And definitely none of it is used to make black pudding.
But most importantly you could literally save someone's life, from car accidents to cancer patients there's loads of people who need a bag o' blood. Don't be a Greedy Gretel, share your red gold.

Visit find your local blood bank.

Monday, 11 February 2013

5 Things Never to do While Drunk

You know the feeling, halfway into a bottle of something, when you catch a look of yourself in the mirror and think you're drunk. It is now you must make the decisions which will determine just how much shame you wake up with. There's 5 main things you're going to want to avoid.

1) Drunk texting. The horror of reading what you sent the night before is unimaginable. Guaranteed to make your stomach turn more than those jagerbombs, it's better to turn the damn thing off.
2) 'Just going for it'. Stop, don't go for it. Whatever you were going to do it's not a good idea. No one wants to see you pole dance. No one wants to see you moon random cars on the street. No one wants to play cock or balls. And those who egg you on are sober and criminally insane, or drunk too. And since when do you trust the judgement of drunk people?
3) Confessions of any type. Taking an issue that would be a five minute conversation in sober life and turning it into an hour long theatre production just builds for next day duvet cringing.
4) Drinking competitions. Oh it might be all fun and games, but whoever loses really loses. Like their stomach contents. We can't all drink at the same pace and to the scrawny guy trying to match his rugby player friend pint for pint, do you not understand alcohol at all? Weight plays a major factor. It's why the fat guy over there can drink 10 pints and still have room for a doner kebab while Mr. Hipster is passed out in a corner. Also, because Mr. Hipster has bad friends, who apparently think the corner is a good drunk person holding place.
5) Passing out. Oh sweet baby Jesus, don't you dare lose conciousness around students. While those in their thirties may worry about their half dead friend a student sees a dead drunk as comic opportunity gold. If you're lucky you'll get drawn on, after that you're risking anything from hair removal to permanent injury. Nothing is worse than waking up without your eyebrows. Well, except for maybe waking up missing a tooth.

Not even a little true

Tuesday, 5 February 2013


Recycling: The number one nag we all face on a daily basis. From the sides of my yoghurt pots to the front of my Metro, I'm being berated to save mother earth by putting everything in the right bin.
I don't have a problem with it, it's not like separating rubbish takes long, but sometimes, as I'm washing out my jam pots, I think why do I even bother? Because landfills are filling up in seconds and my jam pots seem to be doing nothing to stop the news reports about how we'll all be wearing refrigerator suits by the year 2020.
Then I see people not bothering to recycle, which doesn't really irk me because sometimes I'm lazy too, and I think well, my jam pots have been undone right there! And it's less of an irritation at that person and more a frustration that even if I was perfect about my own environmental impact I'd still only save about one hedgehog a year. And even then, the thing would be run over by a gas guzzling 4x4.
And, oh, if I'm totally honest, I think I lean more towards hurting the planet than helping it. Not because I'm a seal whacker, it's just the city lifestyle. Some of you may be looking at me with disgust right now, but hold your criticisms. Just because you chuck your Starbucks cup in the recycle side of a public bin doesn't mean you're green. Chances are, like me, you're choking mother earth with your constant bus journeys and imported foods. Then there's everything else we import (about 90% of whatever's around you right now) and things like how even eating is harmful to all the fields because of all the nasties used in crop production.
So there you have it, unless you're living in a remote self-sufficient community of tree huggers the chances are you're doing more harm than good. But that's no reason to give up, washing your jam pots does help but maybe try to rinse those milk bottles too. However, I won't judge you if you don't have a 'bag for life', I can only commit to a one year phone contract never mind a bag for life.