Sunday, 26 May 2013

5 Insane Thoughts

It's exam time, the most stressful time of the year (yes, even worse than the January sales) and you can find yourself thinking crazy things. My top five insane thoughts this A Level year are:
1) We should do away with all the law, just scrap it, so I don't have to learn endless Acts, sections and paragraphs! Section 1 (1) says this, Section 1 (2) says that, I say let's go old school and bring back the Ten Commandments. They covered pretty much everything.
2) The time in my life when I most want a drink, to alleviate the stress of is this a complex or compound-complex sentence?, I can't drink. For many sensible reasons, the main of which is it erases memory and that just makes the problem worse. I'm still buying booze. It's literally stacking up.
3) Danny Mac, the gorgeous 'Dodger' from Hollyoaks, is going to be at Oceana on the 31st of May. Where will I be? Locked in a bare room with a naked light bulb swinging overhead, my eyes stapled to King Lear. This is not fair. And I bet he takes his shirt off, he always takes his shirt off! Argh!
4) Every time I read King Lear it has the same ending. Okay, fine, for the first two maybe three reads but it's getting incredibly monotonous. I know exactly what's going to happen when he divides his kingdom (excrement hits the oscillating cooling device) and no matter how much I yell at the book he still does it and he still ends up on the heath with me sighing and half watching Jeremy Kyle.
5) I've begun to bribe myself using similar bribes to the ones I was given as a child. Okay, not bribes 'parenting'. For example, "you can have some sweets when you finish your homework" (I was eight, bonbons were a great motivator). Now I say to myself "you can go to Starbucks if you finish this essay". I'm not sure whether I should be more worried that I'm effectively talking to myself or that I've separated myself into two beings. Either way I get a cappuccino.

Always topless, lovely and topless.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

Drowning in Health

8 glasses of water a day is the recommended amount of liquid to put into your body. I don't know about you but when I try to drink this much the feeling is akin to one of drowning from the inside. It simply seems too much. According to science though, it's the amount I need to prevent me from shrivelling up like a worm in the hot sun.
I can easily get on board with other nutritional recommendations. 5 servings of fruit or veg a day? Mighty. I love the stuff. Make it 7. I'd love that. 3 servings of dairy? Bring on the cow! Half a plate of carbohydrates for your main meal? Potatoes count? Load me up. But this water thing, I struggle I really do.
And the worst thing is while I struggle to get all my water I also counteract what I drink by mixing it with coffee and/or alcohol which both dehydrate you (if vodka diet cokes counted I'd be over hydrated if anything). Then there's the salt, which if half your plate is potatoes is vital.
What can you expect from not drinking enough water? Loads of things, the worst being death. But I'll probably choke down an Evian before that.


Thursday, 16 May 2013

FOURever Yours

First, let me apologise for this blog post's title. I'm scraping the bottom of the idea barrel for titles that incorporate numbers.
I'll miss the nightclubs in Leeds. There's something for everyone whether you're into metal, dubstep, boys, girls, unknown genders, cosplay, getting laid, dancing on poles, shots, pints, students, flashing the cash and everything in-between.
At home there are 3 local nightclubs. Two in a town 10 miles away and one 8 miles in the other direction. They cater for everyone and no one at once.
I'll miss the cheap drinks, getting hammered and a taxi home with change from a fifty will be a thing of the past. I'll miss walking into a club and knowing no one. I'll miss leaving the club knowing no one. I'll miss being in a club so full it'd take a week to introduce yourself to everyone. I'll miss the unanimous joy of 1,000 people at a song being played. I'll miss making friends for the night and never seeing them again, being left with nothing but random facebook photos and a hangover. I'll missing snogging a stranger and walking away, never seeing them again and no one knowing who they were. And not really caring. I'll miss drinking a latte at 4am because I never fancy Mc Donald's food. I'll miss staying out so late we end up getting the first bus home. And I'll miss the people I do it all with.

My birthday  2013

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Stayin' Alive Number Five

We're halfway through the countdown now. Time is flying!
Number five on the list is the quirks of Leeds. For example, yesterday afternoon I saw a giant Mr Blobby handing out sandwiches in front of a Yates. I've also seen a man wearing three hats at once, a children's entertainer who looked like the child snatcher and a plethora of other downright weird stuff.
The Headingly students never fail to provide visual entertainment. For those who don't know, they like to dress up. And I mean they go absolutely ape for it. I've seen so much fancy dress now I don't look twice at a group of (Where's) Wallys. 118 118 runners can frequently be seen jogging through the Otley run. No, you have to get something pretty original to surprise me. I've seen pea pods, all the superheroes, jungle animals, advert parodies, television characters, strawberries, cowboys and Indians, two-person costumes and everything in between. But the worst offender? The onesie. Can you not? Please.
It's going to be strange walking through a town without seeing a hundred prospective Jeremy Kyle episodes. Galway is a bit too normal. Still, I can watch Jezza on a morning over there and think of Leeds.

Who better to advertise Yates than Mr Blobby?
 He looks trashed all the time


Tuesday, 7 May 2013

How to Please a Woman

There are certain ways to handle situations which will result in a happy woman and therefore a happy man. However, if protocol is ignored you might as well start building that bomb shelter now.
You don't need to understand the reason behind these things. You just have to do them. They won't work for every woman, but if they did dating would be easy.

1) Don't say are you having dessert? This question is too unknown, the question is are you having dessert because we don't want to sit there eating dessert if you're not going to. Why? Never mind why, you wouldn't understand. What you have to do is inform her of your intentions while asking her. Example: I like the look of the ..., are you going to have dessert too?
2) Don't ever comment on the outfit with anything but showers of praise. Don't do it. Just stop. Close your mouth. 
3) When a woman complains about a work colleague/'friend'/person on the bus they just want to complain. They will only want a solution about 10% of the time. The other 90% they feel better just for venting. So listen and nod at appropriate times.
4) No, she doesn't want to sit in the pub with your dickhead mates, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be invited. Why? Because it's nice to be asked.
5) Don't be clingy, as far as turn-offs go you might as well wear her dressing gown (...don't). Equally, don't be aloof. You'll come across as cocky and difficult to read. Best policy is say what you mean and be yourself, unless what you mean is marry me after a month or who you are is a massive bellend. In that situation be someone else.

There's too much to ever cover in one blog, so if all else fails some nice flowers and wine will fix 75% of all problems. The other 25% will require two bottles of wine.

"Wine! How did you know?"



Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Six six six

You know, one of the most surprising thing I'll miss is college. In 2010 I started at Leeds Tech and it was the best experience I've ever had with education. I liked what I was studying, I liked my classmates and I liked my campus, but knew I didn't want to make a career out of it. I applied to transfer to Park Lane to take A Levels and it was different, to say the least.
Park Lane is far from perfect, but in a way all the things that make it so resoundingly crap are what I'll miss. When else will I be able to make endless jokes about an English department whose number one teaching method is sticking on a video? When will I encounter a computer system so basic it's quicker to chisel an essay into stone? And where will I find an institution that's pushed to the limit with its budget, yet still covers the walls with Barney Stinson style motivational posters?
It's not all bad though. We got a 'chill-out' room this year which provides refuse for all those with a break or a lack of motivation to attend class. I have a teacher who is like an English Zooey Deschanel, complete with revision crosswords and word searches. And law bingo, that's right bingo.

This is honestly the nicest picture of college I could find