Wednesday, 6 May 2015

The 5 People You'll Encounter in the Library

The Model Man or woman, their sole reason for attending the library is to distract you. Look at that outfit, look at that hair, look at that ass. Exams are a stressful time; you're frustrated at your lack of course knowledge but now you're frustrated in a different way. Concentrate on your notes and maybe think about that one rugby game you saw...actually, ladies, maybe don't think about that one rugby game.
The Ghost The only sign of this person is their unattended notes on the desk reserving their territory. There's no sign of them hours later when you leave. There's rumour that the ghosts don't even exist. Instead they're a cruel joke invented by malicious librarians.
In case you're wondering, 4 hours is an acceptable amount of time to wait before you draw phalluses on their belongings,
The Social Media Butterfly They arrive to the library, spread out their notes and check their Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram and Yik Yak. Once that's over they'll check-in online and tag all their friends then post photos of themselves revising hard in the library. You secretly hate them for taking up a seat but it's hypocritical to Yak about them.
The Nerd This person is the personification of every nerdy cartoon character you've ever seen. Glasses or no glasses, they not only know the library staff by name but get invited to their staff do. They bring their own laptop and in the final week leading up to exams they'll bring their own table and chair. Do not try to compete with this student, they will stay longer, revise harder and achieve more than you can ever dream of. But if it makes you feel better they have 0 Yakarma points and even less of a social life.
The Night Owl Why does the library open all night? Surely no one is revising at 3am? Surely every sane person would be in bed at that time? Surely no one is so sadistic that they would revise during a time the entire country was sound asleep?
You are surely wrong. The night owls arrive when the last nerds are leaving and cram their way through the wee hours. A rare breed, they only frequent the library during the crunch week before exams. The other 50 weeks of the year they're found drinking 90p shots and making you question how they go into university in the first place. You envy their commitment and ability to cram, but also hate the bastards for getting decent grades with only one week of revision. As Chandler would say, hell is filled with people like them.

Y'all should be revising not procrastinating

Saturday, 2 May 2015

The 5 Stages of Exam Month

1. Denial  You tell yourself it's only the beginning of the month. You still have loooads of time. The Netflix subscription lives on. Readership of my blog remains high.
2. Anger You realise your exams are at the end of the month but this only leaves you with 3 weeks of revision time. How could university do this to you? You thought you had time! Nights out are replaced with library trips. You become demonic whenever anyone asks you how your course is going.
3. Bargaining This is twofold. You begin bargaining with yourself through a series of bribes and study rewards, Starbucks and takeaways become the centre of your life.
You also bargain with the higher powers. If they only let you get through this set of exams you will never let this happen again/build a church in their name in a third world country.
4. Depression The amount of time until your exam and your retention of course knowledge are way out of sync. You feel hopeless and begin working out what's the lowest grade you could get in these exams that would allow you to still get a 2:1 overall. You don't even procrastinate online anymore, instead you stare blankly at the wall in between staring blankly at notes.
5. Acceptance It's exam day. If you don't know it by now you never will. There's only a few hours left until this will all be over for another semester. Best case scenario is you pass, worst case is you repeat the year. Sure no one ever died from a fail.

Sorry guys, I suppose you were looking for a happy ending...
but this is real life