Monday, 28 September 2015

How To Raise Your Children To Be Free From Sugar

Sugar, a modern day evil. Every ailment that afflicts man can be traced back to those food-like granules. It is as addictive as cocaine, and not half as slimming, so why would you ever let your child near this poison?
If you truly wish the best for your child you should never allow them to come within a snifter of the stuff. Of course, the modern parent knows the difficulties of this so should you decide to shield your young from the white stuff you must decide to do so at birth.
The first few years will be easy as you will be fully in control of your child's food. The impossibility of protecting your child once they mix with less enlightened individuals at school speaks for itself, which is why you should go down one of two paths instead.
If you are lucky enough to live in an area with good food knowledge, such as a D4 postcode, then you and other like minded parents can form a no-sugar-school. Sourcing staff will be difficult; it goes without saying that teachers must be vetted to make sure that they are truly committed to the cause. A packed lunch will be essential, in case any canteen staff were to laxly skip the intensive label reading required of all foods which come onto school grounds. There should also be a 'no sharing' policy, this is to ensure that if one child becomes accidentally infected with a sweet tooth that the outbreak would be contained.
For those of you in a more rural community, or where good living is not widely accessible, the only option is to homeschool your child. This has the advantage of giving you full control over the risk of your child being exposed to sugar. It is a sacrifice you must make and if you are not prepared to do so, why did you have children at all?
Alongside the mandatory State curriculum you should also educate your child on the perils of sugar so that when they are old enough they can choose to continue abstaining. This will involve a heavy form of scaremongering, you should be prepared to expose your child to disturbing images of disease, tooth decay, and obesity. You must also train your child in the art of label reading; sugar takes many forms and can elude the less exacting. Finally, you must also educate your child in the superfoods which can take sugar's place. It is essential a child knows both how to use and how to pronounce these foods, we do not want another quinoa epidemic.

This lifestyle does not come easily, but it is the only way to ensure your child is truly healthy. If you would like further advice on the correct way to raise your child please keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming article on how to deal with their inevitable gluten-intolerance.

Hell is filled with refined sugar demons

Friday, 18 September 2015

5 Awkward Moments with the Hairdresser

1) Recently I was in a salon where the chairs at the sink fully recline. Combined with the built-in massager it was meant to create the utmost relaxation, but I couldn't help feeling a little strange at being sprawled out horizontally in public. For one thing, where do you put your hands?
2) Any question involving hair terms. I don't drop legal bombs into our conversation. Please keep the hairdressing jargon to a minimum. 
3) Reaching for your drink whilst the hairdresser is touching your hair. You can only grab it without interruption when they're getting the hairdryer. And then where do you put it once you've had a sip? Better to die of thirst. 
4) "Would you like ...?" I don't know. Yes? 
5) At the end when the sylist asks if you're happy with the cut. Even if they'd taken a hedge cutter to my hair I wouldn't be able to say no. I don't know whether this is because there's no point in complaining - you can't exactly glue it back on - or good old fashioned British politeness.